Whenever a member of any group is discriminated against, they may internalize a negative self-image. Gay men are usually raised with the very same prejudices about homosexuality as their surrounding culture. As we shift from boyhood to manhood, it may have felt threatening to even wonder whether we were gay. Faulty logic deduced that our very willingness to consider the possibility implied that we were. Quantum endum deductum.

Many gay men spent much of their adolescence denying that we were attracted to other males, or trying to hide any indication that we might be interested in same-sex relationships. We feared that if people knew who and what we were really like, they would reject us. Some men deny their sexual orientation well into adulthood, assuming they’ll eventually outgrow homosexual attractions. This initiates a strange dance around defining our sexuality and conforming to masculine stereotypes. For many, the degree of harassment–verbal taunts, physical or sexual abuse–was directly correlated to their ability to pass as heterosexual. For most of us growing up, the ‘threat’ of discovery was always a constant companion. The strange dichotomy is that while invisibility may have protected us, it contributed to our isolation at the very same time.

The fear of being linked with homosexuality keeps men and boys from expressing vulnerability or affection, especially to one another. That fear tends to permeate any interaction with other males. With few positive role models for gay relationships (or even of men nurturing one another), we’re left with negative images from the media and our own upbringing, or sometimes with no information at all. Homophobia creates a cycle of isolation, which tends to reinforce itself. Hiding our feelings from our friends may have led to furtive sexual encounters with strangers (which can only reinforce our suspicion that gay relationships can’t last). Cut off from a community of support, homophobia becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy: We end up internalizing the negative self-image that we feared was the fate of the ‘lonely homosexual’. Even if we consciously reject the irrational nature of the prejudice directed against us, we still have to cope with a hostile culture. Many of us have developed various survival strategies: being secretive, pretending, and withdrawing from peer activities. It’s natural that we would feel cautious about being emotionally vulnerable, since we learned it wasn’t safe to disclose our inner-most thoughts and desires. The unfortunate consequence is that these coping strategies can interfere with our adult desires for intimacy and relationships.

It is that circle of internalized homophobia that has to be broken by each individual. It’s not so much about what others see, but what you see when you look into a mirror.

SOME THINGS THAT MAKE ME GO MMM…
* cuddling
* honesty
* kissing
* moonlight
* dancing
* fresh air
* a man with a brain
* shopping
* words
* daydreaming
* calculus
* the nape of the neck
* smiles
* a man who can cry
* accents
* eyes and brows
* hugs
* margaritas, extra salt
* sharp-dressed men
* tongues
* lips
* music
* whispers
* silk
* flowers
* ceramic tile
* rain
* five o’clock shadows
* holding hands
* suit and tie
* reading to one another
* listening to a heartbeat
* da beat, da bass
* laughing
* poetry
* candles
* intense silence
* tracing patterns on skin
* gray, overcast days
* aromatherapy
* flowers
* ice storms
* water
* books

FROM THE SCHEDULING DEPARTMENT
I’ll be out of town until Wednesday, so I imagine that posting will be minimal to non-existent. See you when I return. Have a terrific Monday!

MISCELLANEA
01. Has ‘Survivor’ finally jumped the shark?

02. Not only is Matthew Fox gorgeous, he’s one heck of an actor. If his work in Tuesday’s episode does not earn him a Best Actor in a Drama Emmy nod, there is no justice.

03. Was anyone else about to split a gasket at the thought of Charlie being gone?

04. ‘Project Runway’. Watch it now. Scissors and bitches have never been this fun.

05. In the January 2005 issue of Marie Claire, rocker Tommy Lee confesses his penchant for licking the faces of men and women he finds attractive. Speechless.

06. ‘The O.C.’ visits the island of Lesbos in an upcoming story arc. Mischa Barton is booked for the trip, which may or may not be her first.

07. Before the election, I thought the Bush Administration was destroying this country. Now, I’m pretty sure it’s Paris Hilton.

FRIDAY E-MALE

THURSDAY’S INTERESTING READS
01. The New York Times: John M. Broder:
‘Groups Debate Slower Strategy on Gay Rights’
02. The Washington Post: Thomas E. Ricks:
‘Rumsfeld Gets Earful From Troops’
03. The New York Times: Frank Rich:
‘The Plot Against Sex in America’
04. The Washington Post: Dan Balz:
‘Don’t Lurch Right, Dean Urges Party’
05. The New York Times: Maureen Dowd:
‘Lost in a Masquerade’
06. The New York Times: Thomas L. Friedman:
‘The Suicide Supply Chain’
07. Salon.com: Eric Boehlert:
‘Media goes Weak-kneed for Tough-guy Kerik’

DILEMMA 2:
THE HOMO & THE HERETIC
Yesterday’s entry generated a lot of comment and mail. My purpose in writing that piece and where the discussion led were not necessarily expected. Invariably, the question of religion entered into people’s distillation of their position on the subject of homosexuality. To an extent, I’m not surprised. Sexuality (of any kind) and Spirituality seem to have been inextricably woven together in most discussions of homosexuality. The responses I received basically separated into three groups (forgive my generalities): those who see religion exclusive of sexuality and further see religious doctrine being used as a tool of hate; those who may see religion and sexuality through a blending prism, yet do not allow their religious views and experiences to hate or discriminate; and finally those who see no separation of religion and sexuality and find homosexuality offensive or immoral.

First, I’d like to say that I truly respect all three viewpoints. Obviously, I don’t agree with all of them. But we all have the right and respect to have our beliefs. Aside from a few e-mail messages laced with vile prejudice and hate, the discussion opened was insightful and productive. The bulk of that exchange has prompted me to tackle the issue of religion and my experience–something that has been an ongoing process and ultimately a private one. I am always mindful that publicly discussing religion is akin to crossing a minefield blindfolded. Let’s be clear. I don’t know the answers. What I know are my experiences. That is all I can share and hope to do so over several entries.
———-
Despite, or maybe because of, the separation of church and state in constitutional law and public policy, religious values and their expressions are very strong in our world today. Yet at the same time, these same policies have contributed to a climate in which people will either consider religion a highly private affair or a public debate to be espoused with great passion. Either way there never seems to be any common ground. It simply is a clear ‘hot button’ topic. Yet one, that in one form or another, affects every single person on this planet.

In discussions with people in my life, one thing that has struck me—the constant battle of religion and one’s religious upbringing in the lives of most gay men. Now, just as a matter of reference, I was raised a Roman Catholic. While, I left the traditional worship of my church (during my high school years), I still hold dear to my heart certain religious beliefs and ideals formed by my Catholic exposure and Christianity in general. I believe in a God. I pray almost every day. I believe God to be all-knowing, all-loving, and all-forgiving. To me, these simple beliefs form the basis of my religion.

Now again, I reiterate, that I am speaking for myself and no one else. However, my church has said that God does not accept homosexuality, abortion, divorce, and numerous other issues, all of which led to the conflict within me and ultimately drove me from worship at my church (not that I would have been welcomed as an ‘open’ homosexual). While, I personally find this to be an unfortunate consequence, I do admire and respect any person’s religion and religious beliefs, as well as an individual’s right to have a lack there of. For many reasons, I think my experiences point out that religion touches the lives of many people and can polarize the topic of conversation to extremes. Now, whether we agree or disagree with the views expressed, I try to remember and rely on the following tenets (and I feel they form an important frame of reference):

* Respect people’s beliefs.
* Do not attempt to change them.
* Call on your own and others’ values of tolerance, compassion, kindness, and so on.
* Listen to people. Not their slogans.
* Show by example the attitudes and actions that you want to see from others.
* If you choose to, calmly and respectfully let others know what you believe and stand for.
* Know your own faith and beliefs…but try and learn about others.

(to be continued…)