Out, Damned Spot! Out, I Say!

“Being brave doesn’t mean that you’re not scared. It means that if you are scared, you do the thing you’re afraid of
anyway. Coming out and living openly as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender or as a straight-supportive person is an act of bravery and authenticity. Whether it’s for the first time ever, or for the first time today — coming out may be most important thing you will do all day. Talk about it.”
–from the Human Rights Campaign ‘A Resource Guide To Coming Out

Today is National Coming Out Day. It seems humans love to have a day for everything–and most of them pass unnoticed. I suppose if you are not gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender, today may not carry as much significance for you. As someone who struggled to accept my sexuality (a part of the whole sum of who I am), the year I turned 29 was a watershed event in my life. It was the year I finally accepted who and what I was. It was also the year I learned to live without regret and the fear of not being accepted. I’m not sure I remember the exact day any more…but the year, I’ll never forget. By sharing the words “I’m gay” with another human being, a freedom I could never have dared imagine was born and changed my life in ways to vast to count.

With the many pressures that a society, family, culture, religion, morality, and work environ place upon us, it’s not easy being different. It’s even harder to accept being different. For all the fears I had–and that I let trap me in a proverbial closet–it would be a revelation that the biggest hurdle I had to overcome was self-acceptance. That’s not to say the rest of it was an uneventful and harmonious journey. Yet, for a man who prides himself on a logical and mathematical reality of the world around him, the hardest equation to solve was:

As much as the world changes around us each day, so many things stay the same–or change at the pace of a polar ice floe. Hatred and discrimination are still alive in the hearts of men. It gets better–and it’s getting better. And we are the agents of change in that betterment. So, maybe it’s not today per se. Maybe it’s tomorrow…or next month. Just know the day is coming. Know your day is coming.

Happy National Coming Out Day!

*************

I am coming in
And out
Of my life…

At turns,
I leap.
I crawl.
I am shoved.
I am pushed.
I am dragged.
I am screaming.
To get out…

I am stepping
Into the person
I was meant to be
I am finding a new skin
My body, my heart, and my mind
Demand that I occupy
I am becoming comfortable
With who I am
I am integrating that person
And this persona
Into my everyday world…

I am realizing.
I am acclimating.
To my new skin
The process of going
From a mental closet
Into the orbits
That create my world
Is fully underway…

From the circles
That comprise
My private life,
My family life,
My career life––
The entire world
Around me
Is falling into place…

I am a planet.
On an elliptical orbit
Waiting to crash
Into other objects
I am leaving
My center…My closet
Traveling forth
Into the real world…

With this new skin
A brilliant armor
I am venturing forth
To slay my dragons
To claim my domain…

I am comfortable.
Being who I am.
I am validating
My own existence
The many parts
Of my life
Are now being filtered
Through the cognizance of
And the embrace of
my sexual orientation…

Whether I look
From a perspective
Of coming out or coming in–
Or perhaps a hybrid of both
I am achieving an inner peace
That’s been missing far too long.

Balance.
Acceptance.
Courage.

The overwhelming
Desire
To be
Who I am.
The authentic me.

Come Out,
Come Out…
Whoever You Are…

**************

The life and times of French thinker, philosopher and historian Michel Foucault were nearly as amazing as the written works he left behind. Foucault was a lightning rod for controversy–and I very much believe he would not have had it any other way. The list of subjects that Foucault’s work touched and changed is truly mind-boggling. I’m not sure that I agree with all of his declarations and hypotheses. But, I must say that he is an inspiration and example to the ideals of free-thinking.

Recently, I re-read Foucault’s seminal three-part treatise on human sexuality. Starting with ‘A History of Sexuality: An Introduction (and continuing with ‘A History of Sexuality: The Use of Pleasure’ and ‘A History of Sexuality: The Care of Self’), I was struck by how much of Foucault’s writing seemed fresh and relevant–as opposed to when I had last read it during my days of higher education. I think much of my surprise has to do with the fact that I am now older and have a richer history of experiences to draw upon and relate to in regards to my own sexuality.

Foucault (who himself was homosexual) is often credited as the father of ‘queer theory’. That may or may not be an important distinction in his vast body of work. Nonetheless there is a definite school of thought that Foucault developed in regards to homosexuality. Starting with the bigger picture of human sexuality, one of Foucault’s tenets in his historical review of sexuality is that Western society has always repressed sexuality.

The human view of sexuality is delineated by Foucault into two distinct separations: “ars erotica” and “scientia sexualis”. Foucault argues that China, Japan, India and the Roman Empire have embraced sexuality as “ars erotica” (erotic art). To that end, sex is seen as an art and a special experience and not something dirty or shameful. It is something to be kept secret–but only because of the view that it would lose its power and its pleasure if spoken about. In Western society, Foucault says that sexuality is viewed as “scientia sexualis” or the science of sexuality. The platform of “scientia sexualis” was diametrically opposed to “ars erotica” because of being built upon a 17th century construct: the confession.

Foucalt states that it is not merely a question of the Christian confession–but more generally the all-consuming urge to talk about it. Foucault argues that Western culture has long been fixated on sexuality. This fixation became a repression. Rather, the social convention, not to mention sexuality, has created a discourse around it, thereby making sexuality ubiquitous. This would not have been the case, had it been thought of as something quite natural. The concept of “sexuality” itself is a result of this discourse. And the interdictions also have constructive power: they have created sexual identities and a multiplicity of sexualities that would not have existed otherwise. Therefore, Western society developed a fixation with finding out the “truth” about sexuality, a truth that was to be confessed. It is as if sexuality did not exist unless it is confessed. Foucault wrote:

“We have since become an extraordinarily confessing society. Confession has spread its effects far and wide: in the judicial system, in medicine, in pedagogy, in familial relations, in amorous relationships, in everyday life and in the most solemn rituals; crimes are confessed, sins are confessed, thoughts and desires are confessed, one’s past and one’s dreams are confessed, one’s childhood is confessed; one’s diseases and problems are confessed;…”

Following his logic, Foucault was highly critical of psychoanalysis–which he saw as nothing more than a modern, scientific form of confession. Foucault saw psychoanalysis as a legitimization of sexual confession. In it, everything is explained in terms of repressed sexuality and the psychologist becomes the sole interpreter of it. Sexuality is no longer just something people hide, but it is also hidden from themselves, which gives the theological, minute confession a new life.

What becomes of interest for me is Foucault’s theory in application to homosexuality and the process we call “coming out”. (I should note here that I have some major problems with this school of thought–but it is nonetheless worthy of inspection.)

The actual concept of “coming out” did not exist at the time Foucault’s first volume on sexuality appeared in 1976. But some theorists and thinkers have applied Foucault’s writings to say that the process of confessing one’s homosexuality (i.e., coming out) can be interpreted as a validation of this innate urge to confess. This school of thinking finds what it calls a compulsion to reveal one’s sexuality to confirm its existence in our society. By contrast, in ars erotica, a very different view is held and people are content to let it remain a secret in the positive sense of the word.

Here is where the worlds of religion and sexuality finding a prickly intersection. The reason sexuality should be confessed is to be found in the Christian view of it. It was not, as it is today, seen as a strong, obvious force, but as something treacherous, something only to be found by careful introspection. Therefore every detail had to be laid forth in confession; every trace of pleasure experienced had to be examined to find the traces of sin.

In this attention to details, the reason sexuality is given such importance in our society is to be found: Making sexuality something sinful did not make it disappear. Quite the contrary, it was reinforced and became something to be noticed everywhere.

There seems to be some kind of disconnect within the LGBTQ community when it comes to the notion of “coming out”. I think for most, it is safe to say that it is seen as a healthy ritual of acceptance and expression of individuality. Yet, there are many who find conflict in this public acknowledgement of their homosexuality. It also brings to mind the idea of “gay pride”–and why there is such a strong division of opinion on its relevance and importance to the LGBTQ community as a whole–and to the individual.

In my own personal experience, “coming out” was a very difficult journey. At the end of that journey, I realized that my biggest challenge to acceptance came not from those around me–but from me. It was nothing short of an internal struggle to accept who I was (and am). For me, the process was educational and critical. I think it is very important to stress that whatever process or form “coming out” may take, I do not believe that it is a generic or universal construct. Just as people are different in many ways, sexuality is but one factor that determines an individual.

Which brings up another intriguing–and much debated–question. There are those who would argue some variation of the following : “Okay, fine. You’re gay. Now do you have to rub it in everyone’s face?”. The answer to that question, my friends, is not so simple. I would argue that I see both the positive and negative in such a qualification.

Is it really all about confession? Or is it a more complicated form of acceptance? When all is said and done, I imagine the answer depends on…you.

“Homosexuality appears as one of the forms of sexuality when it was transposed from the practice of sodomy onto a kind of interior androgyny, a hermaphroditism of the soul. The sodomite had been a temporary aberration; the homosexual was now a species.”

—Foucault, Michel (1976) History of Sexuality: Volume I: An Introduction. NY: Pantheon. Translated from French by Robert Hurley. (Page 43)