SILENT ALL THESE YEARS
My parents were divorced by the time I was five years old. My mother raised me and my sister on her own. In the end, it was probably the best for everyone involved. My father had two dirty little secrets that threatened any attempt at being a family. He was an alcoholic. He also was an angry drunk who became physically abusive toward my mother. We’re not talking a shove and a slap abusive. Before my mother made the decision to leave him, she spent nearly a month in the hospital–most of the time in a coma.

When I was old enough to understand the concept of divorce and what had transpired between my parents, it certainly colored my relationships with each parent. I adore my mother and admire her courage in doing something that was not favorably looked upon at the time. Her concern for her children’s safety and her own, led her on the road to becoming a single parent with two small children. While there were times that this path was difficult, she always made sure that my sister and I had everything we needed. With her support and help, I was able to become the first person in my extended family to graduate from college. In her 30s, my mother made the decision to pursue her Bachelor of Science degree in Nursing. She is my role model, my inspiration and she loves me unconditionally.

My father and I, on the other hand, have had an uneasy and torturous relationship. He was rarely in our lives as children. When he was, it was usually a quick visit to ply us with gifts. When I was about 12, he took my sister and me to Disneyland. I think for my sister, her relationship with my father was completely different as she was too young to remember any of the turbulent past. I could never forget it. When he called to speak to us, I always felt uncomfortable. By the time I was 17, I made the decision to sever all ties with my father. It was my decision alone and not influenced by any other person. I will probably never forget the exact instant it happened. Midstream a telephone conversation, I remember saying ‘I don’t want to talk to you any more. Please don’t call me.’

It was an emotional experience for me. I think I understood the word catharsis in one fell swoop. Yet, it was a strangely liberating experience. To this day, I’ve not spoken to or seen him. One thing I made sure of was that my decision in no way impacted my sister’s relationship with our father. She continues to have a relationship with him. He visits her and her two children and they all seem to have a fairly good connection. To his credit, after many years he began to deal with his alcoholism. But, it has taken a toll on his body and recovery appears to be a road filled with relapses.

I think Christmas always brings some memories of him–mostly bad ones. I’ve never regretted the decision I made. Yet, in many ways throughout my life, there have been unmistakeable imprints of my father in my life. Even before I realized I was gay, I just knew that I never wanted to be married. I also told myself that I never wanted to have children. In college, I was always weary of overindulging in alcohol. I’m not sure if I thought because he was an alcoholic that there was a chance I could be. I don’t feel the same way about these things now necessarily–but the fact that they had some impact on my life is undeniable.

When I finally came to terms with my homosexuality, of course I went through all questioning. Was I gay because I lacked a father figure? Was I gay to spite my father? Was I gay because I was a mama’s boy? The questions were unending. All of this now seems so silly. I know that I am who I am because that was the way it was meant to be. But the fact, that my father directly or indirectly made me question all of these things about myself just seemed to fuel a hatred. It’s not an easy thing to say that you hate a parent. Yet, there are sins of a father that are unforgiveable.

Running around doing Christmas shopping, decorating my tree, and preparing for a great holiday, I was reminded of all of these things in the back of my mind. In spite of all of them, I love Christmas. With all the negative things that I associate with my father, I think in some strange way he made me appreciate the wonderful simplicities in life. I love my life. I love my family and friends. I’m a better person in spite of the anger I save for my father. Forgiveness doesn’t seem practical–as I can never forget. But, the silence has taught me so many more things than forgiveness ever could.

WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER SHOP WALMART
A Florida woman who went to an early bird sale to purchase a DVD player for her mother was knocked unconscious and trampled by crazed shoppers. After suffering at least one seizure, the woman was found by paramedics on the floor on top of said DVD player.

ROCKIN’ REMIXES
01. “Fly Again (Scumfrog Mix)”–Kristine W.
02. “Waiting For You (Thick Dick Remix)”–Seal
03. “I Can Give You Everything (Arthur Baker House Remix)”–Wet Wet Wet
04. “Nobody Knows Me (Peter Rauhofer Remix)–Madonna
05. “The Terrace (Cassius Combustion Remix)”–Linus Love
06. “Stand Back (Archigram Vocal Club Remix)”–Linus Love f/ Sam Obernik
07. “Situation (The English Breakfast Mix)”–Yaz

CLASSICALLY QUOTABLE
“The debate over gays in the military was never really about balancing civil rights with national security. Britain, Israel, Canada and Australia are among 24 militaries that lifted bans on gay soldiers without undermining unit cohesion or combat readiness. These experiences show that the choice is not between gay rights and military readiness. It is between prejudice that compromises national security and equality that enhances it. And that’s no choice at all.“

—Mr. Nathaniel Frank, in his Op-Ed piece for The New York Times (11.28) entitled “Why We Need Gays In The Military”